Fliegerwitze 1-20:
| Pilot: | Delivery, XY-Line 195, requesting start-up. |
| Delivery: | Sorry, XY-Line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination? |
| Pilot: | Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig. |
| Delivery: | Aber, ähh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag! |
| Pilot: | WAS?? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei! |
| Pilot: Tower: Pilot: | Tower, da brennt ein Runway-Light. Ich hoffe, da brennen mehrere. Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt! |
| Tower: | Swiss 711, number one, checkcar on the runway. |
| Pilot: | Roger, we'll check the car on the runway. |
| Pilot: | Good morning Zürich Apron, KLM 1954 request start up and push back, please. |
| Apron: | Good morning KLM 1954, expect start up in about two hours. |
| Pilot: | Please confirm, two hours delay? |
| Apron: | Affirm. |
| Pilot: | In that case, cancel the good morning!! |
| Tower: | Zurich Tower to all aircraft, QNH is now 1017. |
| Pilot: | How come? Did everybody open their windows? |
| Delivery: | XY-Line 443, you are cleared to ... via ... and via ... After Departure ... and ... then ... climb to ... and further ... and descend ... further instructions on frequency ... or ... and squawk ...! Acknowledge please! |
| Pilot: | Roger Delivery, we are cancelling IFR. |
| Controller: | HOM, squawk 0476. |
| Pilot: | Say again. |
| Controller: | Squawk 0476. |
| Pilot: | Four, zero ...? |
| Controller: | Wollen sie nen leichteren haben |
| Pilot: | Tower, request permission to enter zone XY. |
| Tower: | Negative! |
| Pilot: | Did you say negative? |
| Tower: | Affirm. |
| Pilot: | Understood affirm. I will call you leaving the zone |
| Pilot: | Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west? |
| Tower: | Yes. |
| Pilot: | Yes what? |
| Tower: | Yes SIR! |
| Pilot: | Tower, give me a rough time check please! |
| Tower: | It's tuesday |
| Pilot: | Tower, please call me a fuel truck. |
| Tower: | Roger. You are a fuel truck. |
| Controller: | Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign!! |
| Pilot: | I'm not silly...!!! |
| Pilot: | Jones Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I'm out of fuel! |
| Tower: | Roger Cessna 12345, stay calm, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?! |
| Pilot: | Uh... Tower, I'm in the GAC; I just want to know where the fuel truck ist. |
| Pilot: | Zürich Apron, this ist HBCAG, position GAC, request taxi to Grenchen. |
| Apron: | HBCAG, Taxi approved, report leaving the airport. |
| Tower: | Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway! |
| Student Pilot: | Roger (Continues descent) |
| Tower: | Aircraft, GO AROUND!! |
| Student Pilot: | Roger (Condinues descent) |
| Tower: | AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!! |
| Student Pilot: | Roger (Continues descent) |
| So, the student Pilot plunks his airplaine down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway. |
| Controller: | USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6 |
| Controller: | USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6 |
| Controller: | USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen! |
| Pilot: | Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response! |
| Scene: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control: |
| Approach: | 33W confirm you have hotel. |
| 33W: | Uhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet. |
| The next several calls went like this: |
| Approach: | United 554, descent to FL220. |
| United 554: | United 554 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either. |
| Ueber dem Atlantik, in den 70er Jahren: Eine SR 71 Blackbird fliegt nach einem Besuch bei der Luftfahrtsshow in Farnborough über den Atlantik zurück in die USA. Die SR 71 meldet sich bei Atlantic Control und schliesst an: "Request Level 600". Der Controller, offentsichtlich mit der Performance einer SR 71 nicht vertraut: "If you can reach, then celared Level 600". Darauf die SR 71: "Roger, leaving 800 for 600". Unbestätigten Gerüchten zufolge weist das Mikro des Controllers seit damals deutliche Biss-Spuren auf. |
| 257, Do you have Charlie? | Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hangar! |
| 257, Do you have Echo? | Tower, 257, Negative, receiving you loud and clear! |
| 257, Do you have Hotel? | Tower, 257, Negative, we are staying with friends! |
| 257, Do you have Juliet? | Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife! |
| 257, Do you have Mike? | Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset! |
| 257, Do you have Oscar? | Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year! |
| 257, Do you have Papa? | Tower, 257, Negative, but i wrote him a letter last week! |
| 257, Do you have Uniform? | Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt! |
| 257, Do you have Xray? | Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan! |
| 257, Do you have Whiskey? | Tower, 257, Negative, not in the last 8 hours. Am I not on assigned heading? |
| Eine amerikanische Herkules auf der ILS hinter einer langsamen Mooney. |
| Controller: | AF1733, you are on a eight mile final. You have a Mooney three ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots. |
| Pilot: | Roger, We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots for you. |
| Controller: | (a few moments later) AF1733, Mooney at 90 knots now 1 and half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots. |
| Pilot: | AF thirty-three bringing this big bird back further to 110 knots. |
| Controller: | AF33, your are three miles to touchdown, Mooney now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots. |
| Pilot: | (a little miffed) Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is? |
| Controller: | No, but if you asking your co-pilot, he can probably tell you. |
