Fliegerwitze 81-99:
| Pilot: | "November 123 on a very shot final, understand I'm cleared to land?" |
| Tower: | "Oh, who is talking? |
| Pilot: | "Me!" |
| Controller: | "SWR500, are you on course to SUL?" |
| Pilot: | "More or less" |
| Controller: | "So proceed a little bit more to SUL." |
| Controller: | "Flight 3421, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees!" |
| Pilot: | "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" |
| Controller: | "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?" |
| Controller: | (nach der Landung einer British Airways-Maschine): "Just let you know on the approach you where a little left of the centerline." |
| Pilot: | "That is correct, Sir. And my first officer was slightly to the right." |
Eine DC-3 ohne Farbanstrich, aber mit gepflegt glaenzender Aluminiumhaut rollt zum Start.
| Tower: | "N147, what kind of polish to you use?" |
| Pilot: | "Speed only, Sir." |
| Pilot: | "Information, Delta Kilo November, kann ich ueber SULZ und TANGO fliegen?" |
| Controller: | "Delta Kilo November, fliegen Sie weiter nach gutduenken." |
| Pilot: | "Aber ich moechte nach Egelsbach." |
| Pilot: | "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff." |
| Unknown Person: | "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressure rising, keep the aircraft straight using...." |
| "Stewardess!" "Ja, mein Herr?" "Ich moechte mich ueber diese Airline beschweren! Jedes Mal wenn ich fliege bekomme ich denselben Sitzplatz. Ich kann den Film nicht sehen und habe keine Fensterblenden, sodass ich nicht schlafen kann!" "Captain, halten Sie den Mund und landen Sie die Maschine!" |
| A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really
important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that
visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a
landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are *very*
nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building
with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and
shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, I'm asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees!" Any questions? |
| The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not
only expect you to know your parking location but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we at PanAm 747
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground an an British
Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear of the active". Ground: "Guten Morgen, taxi to your gate". The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop." |
| In the early 60s Alaska
Airlines was referred to as spastic airlines by Alaskans and not without
some cause. Location: Anchorage International Airport Time: Early morning "Anchorage ground, time check please". Pregnant pause.... "What airline are you?" An even more pregnant pause.... "Ah, er, hum, does it make a
difference?" |
| Ein Pilot mit seinem Freund,
der zum ersten Male mitflog, meldete sich beim Tower:
"Tower, this is HBXXX, approaching City for landing with Mike. Er erhielt die Landebewilligung und rollte zum Parkplatz. Als er den Motor abstellte fragte ihn sein Passagier (der Mike hiess): "Warum musstest Du dem sagen, dass ich bei Dir bin?" |
| Vor etwa 10 Jahren flog ich als
Passagier auf dem Ruecksitz eines Motorseglers zu einem Regionalflugplatz,
um dort den defekten Auspuff reparieren zu lassen. Dabei bekam ich
folgendes Gespraech mit:
Tower: "You're unreadable, say again. |
| Airbus Stories:
Radar: "Airfrance 1234, confirm are
you an Airbus 320 or 340? Hear in a Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit: |
| An airliner was having engine
trouble and the pilot instructed the cabine crew to have the passengers
take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendant if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain", came the replay, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards". |
| Kuerzlich auf der Frequenz von Zurich Delivery gehoert: |
| Pilot: | "Delivery, ABC123 with information Juliet, IFR to London, request clearance" |
| Controller: | "Now, we're with information Kilo" |
| Pilot: | "hummm, and what's new with Kilo" |
| Controller: | "Nothing, but the wind". |
| Pilot: | "Roger, in that case we have Kilo". |
| Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore of Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get fairly high to get the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger. |
| Me: | "Toronto Terminal, CFQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible." |
| ATC: | "QOZ, cleared to flight level 230." |
| Me: | (sputter, gasp!) "Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!". |
| ATC: | "Just kidding, I can give you up to 6500." |
| We were departing Soendrestrom/Kangerlussuaq
Airport in western Greenland, when we heard this:
"Sondrestrom Approach, Greenlandair
123, good morning, with you flightlevel 180 requesting descend." (Pause) "Greenlandair 123, Sondrestrom
Approach, your are now number two for the approach - traffic is a Cessna
182 departing Kulusuk in five minutes estimating overhead Sondrestrom in
two hours and forty-five minutes." |
| Heard recently on London Information (monitoring cross-channel traffic)... |
| Calling: | (unintelligible) "D-ABCD, position xxN, xxE, altitude 6500 ft, requesting flight information." |
| London: | "Roger D-ABCD, what is your point of departure and destination?" |
| Calling: | "We left Augsburg, Germany, about 22 hours ago." |
| London: | (long pause) "uh, and what is your destination?" |
| Calling: | "Uh, I don't know...." |
| London: | (longer pause) "uh, when and where will you be crossing the coast?" |
| Calling: | "Crossing in about 3 hours somewhere between Dover and Worthing (around 70 miles of coastline)." |
| London: | (pause) "D-ABCD, say again type of aircraft." |
| Calling: | "D-ABCD is a hot air balloon." |
I'd heard him say hot-air balloon in the first call - it was a blast listening to! |
Nach jedem Flug füllen Piloten ein Formular aus, auf dem sie die Mechaniker über Probleme informieren, die während des Flugs aufgetreten sind, und die eine Reparatur oder eine Korrektur erfordern. Die Mechaniker informieren im Gegenzug auf dem unteren Teil des Formulars die Piloten darüber, welche Maßnahmen sie jeweils ergriffen haben, bevor das Flugzeug wieder startet.
Man kann nicht behaupten, dass das Bodenpersonal oder die Ingenieure hierbei humorlos wären. Hier einige Beschwerden und Probleme, die tatsächlich so von Piloten der Fluglinie QANTAS eingereicht wurden.
Dazu der jeweilige Antwort-Kommentar der Mechaniker. Übrigens ist Qantas die einzige große Airline, bei der es noch nie einen Absturz gab.
P = Problem, das vom Piloten
berichtet wurde.
S = Die Lösung/Maßnahme des Ingenieurs/Mechanikers.
P: Bereifung innen links muss
fast erneuert werden.
S: Bereifung innen links fast erneuert.
P: Testflug OK, Landung mit
Autopilot sehr hart.
S: Landung mit Autopilot bei diesem Flugzeugtyp nicht installiert.
P: Im Cockpit ist irgendetwas
locker.
S: Wir haben im Cockpit irgendetwas wieder fest gemacht.
P: Tote Käfer auf der Scheibe.
S: Lebende Käfer im Lieferrückstand.
P: Der Autopilot leitet trotz
Einstellung auf "Höhe halten" einen Sinkflug von 200 fpm ein.
S: Wir können dieses Problem auf dem Boden leider nicht nachvollziehen.
P: Hinweis auf undichte Stelle an
der rechten Seite.
S: Hinweis entfernt.
P: DME ist unglaublich laut.
S: DME auf glaubwürdigere Lautstärke eingestellt.
P: IFF funktioniert nicht.
S: IFF funktioniert nie, wenn es ausgeschaltet ist.
P: Vermute Sprung in der Scheibe.
S: Vermute Sie haben recht.
P: Antrieb 3 fehlt.
S: Antrieb 3 nach kurzer Suche an der rechten Tragfläche gefunden.
P: Flugzeug fliegt komisch.
S: Flugzeug ermahnt, ernst zu sein und anständig zu fliegen.
P: Zielradar summt.
S: Zielradar neu programmiert, so dass es jetzt in Worten spricht.
P: Maus im Cockpit.
S: Katze installiert.
